The right questions...and answers
I had coffee with a good friend of mine today, Hannah. She went to India with me last February. I haven't seen her since last March. She was in town and so we got together for an hour. It was so great to see her. I couldn't believe we were there. Neither could she. We were both in shock that we were actually talking to each other face to face. It was wonderful to see her.
We were talking and catching up and I had an epiphany. I was telling her about that book I'm reading, "The Search for Significance" and about my future and so forth when it all became clear to me. I base my worth on my performance. This I am learning that I do. But we were talking about dreams and how mine are very murky right now, which is different for me. But I think it's a good thing. I have part of me that has these big dreams of going "far" in life. Then I have the other part of me, that part that wants to raise my children anywhere but the US and wants to live a simple life without all the "things" this world offers and we don't need. It's like I'm two different people.
What became so clear to me while talking to Hannah was that the big dreams that I have of being CEO of a company one day may just be the lies in me speaking. What I'm talking about are those lies that tell me that the only thing that makes me important or significant is what I can do for others or how well I perform. If I get a Masters degree and can move up in a company and be this "accomplished" person that has gone far then people will admire me and I will have performed well. So I have to ask myself the question, "Is this what I really want for my life or is this the Good Performance=Significance me talking?" Of course, I think that in order to truly answer this question and know for sure I'm going to have to do some more searching and God's going to have to do some more revealing in my heart.
It's good. I'm eager to look deeper. I want to find the answers to these questions that I know only the Lord can give. I definitely don't want to chase afters dreams that will only take me further away from what I really want even though I don't know exactly what that is yet.
Isn't it amazing how you think you know yourself so well only to realize that you have so much more to learn?
We were talking and catching up and I had an epiphany. I was telling her about that book I'm reading, "The Search for Significance" and about my future and so forth when it all became clear to me. I base my worth on my performance. This I am learning that I do. But we were talking about dreams and how mine are very murky right now, which is different for me. But I think it's a good thing. I have part of me that has these big dreams of going "far" in life. Then I have the other part of me, that part that wants to raise my children anywhere but the US and wants to live a simple life without all the "things" this world offers and we don't need. It's like I'm two different people.
What became so clear to me while talking to Hannah was that the big dreams that I have of being CEO of a company one day may just be the lies in me speaking. What I'm talking about are those lies that tell me that the only thing that makes me important or significant is what I can do for others or how well I perform. If I get a Masters degree and can move up in a company and be this "accomplished" person that has gone far then people will admire me and I will have performed well. So I have to ask myself the question, "Is this what I really want for my life or is this the Good Performance=Significance me talking?" Of course, I think that in order to truly answer this question and know for sure I'm going to have to do some more searching and God's going to have to do some more revealing in my heart.
It's good. I'm eager to look deeper. I want to find the answers to these questions that I know only the Lord can give. I definitely don't want to chase afters dreams that will only take me further away from what I really want even though I don't know exactly what that is yet.
Isn't it amazing how you think you know yourself so well only to realize that you have so much more to learn?
1 Comments:
I can't wait to get that book and read it- I too struggle with thoughts that my worth is based on success in life even ministry. Being productive ya know.... what really matters is my character and becoming more like Christ- even if all I feel like I'm doing is cleaning house again. :)
Thanks for sharing,
Beth
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